Customer Service Support Ticket at All-American Wizardry Supply and Custom Floor Mat Emporium
by Alex Shvartsman
Read by Alethea Kontis
Listen to the audio version
Dear Emporium Customer Service,
The other week I stumbled upon a magic e-shop and ordered a little enchanted gazebo for
my garden which was supposed to help my flowers grow better. Turns out it's cursed instead. The
gazebo howls at night and occasionally tries to eat people. Also, my petunias are wilting. When I
tried to return the gazebo, the e-shop's website was no longer there.
That singing hippogriff in your commercials always claims there's no magical problem
you can't fix. Please help!
-Anna Cohen
Dear Anna,
We're sorry you had this experience. When shopping for enchanted items and spells it's
very important to choose a trusted vendor. Here at floormatsandsorcery.com we sell artisanal
enchantments, organic non-GMO poisons, and custom all-weather floor mats for your vehicle.
All our artifacts are manufactured by human workers in the mortal realm.
To tame your gazebo, we recommend Hex-B-Gone powder ($19.95). Mix one part with
three parts holy water in a 12-oz. spray bottle. For best results use the entire bottle at dawn.
May we also suggest Fairy Eggs ($14.95 per oz.)? A pinch per plant will have your
petunias blooming in no time.
Thanks so much, guys. Hex-B-Gone worked like a charm! It slayed the gazebo and I used
the leftovers on an especially snide talking mirror (that'll teach it to body-shame!). However, I
was so inspired by your wonderful products that I sprinkled way too many fairy eggs over the
petunias and now the fairies are everywhere. Got some sort of spray to keep Tinkerbell away?
-Anna Cohen
Dear Anna,
We have all sorts of repellents and traps but the best and most environmentally-conscious
way to combat a fairy infestation is with gremlin lizards ($199.00 a dozen). Release them into the
garden each morning and they'll eat fairy eggs and larvae. You'll see results within a week. Just
bring them in at night and keep them dry at all times.
Your gremlin lizards worked fine until they got drenched by an unexpected sun shower.
Now they're mean. They hiss at me from under the bushes and snap at my ankles, and they look
like Komodo dragons. Got a dragon exterminator on staff?
-Anna Cohen
Dear Anna,
We're dispatching a dragon exterminator ($79/hour) immediately.
Guys, when I asked for a dragon exterminator I meant a person who would banish the
gremlin lizards, not a dragon who works as an exterminator! It all worked out, though. Draco
took care of the gremlins and then I invited him in for iced tea and we talked for hours.
We've been dating for a few weeks now and I want him to meet my parents but they're
very old-fashioned. It's bad enough that Draco isn't Jewish, but a dragon? I won't hear the end of
it from my mother. Got anything that would help him pass for a human?
-Anna Cohen
Dear Anna,
The Shapeshifter Pendant ($999.99) should do the trick.
Perfect! He charmed my parents and they think he's Sephardic rather than Squamata.
We're getting married in September.
-Anna
Dear Anna,
Mazel tov! We're including a complimentary coupon for 20% off a custom laser-measured floor mat for your vehicle.
It's been a while but I need your help more than ever. We had our first kid and he's a
dragon. The Shapeshifter Pendant doesn't work on him. What's worse, the mohel was unable to
perform a circumcision (and it wasn't easy to find one willing to try!)--his blade wouldn't cut
through dragon skin. My mother is despondent.
-Anna Cohen-Wyrm
Dear Anna,
This is a new one for us, but maybe try using the pen knife of St. George ($39.95 + 19.95
for overnight shipping)? Its blade cuts through dragon scales and it should hopefully work for all
faiths.
It worked! Baby Elliott hissed and belched fire (the mohel had to be treated for second-degree burns) but the bris was performed successfully.
I'm happy but also overwhelmed. Draco is doing his best to help, but I have no idea how
to raise a baby dragon. Truth be told, I have no idea how to raise a baby, and the dragon part only
adds to the challenge, especially since we believe in full-term breastfeeding. It would be easier if
he were a regular human boy. Got any helpful magic for me?
-Anna
Dear Anna,
Parenthood is difficult; we know of no magic that works better than a mother's love. As to
the human boy thing, it sounds like you've already solved your own problem. In thirteen years
Elliott will have his bar mitzvah and become a man.
http://www.intergalacticmedicineshow.com/cgi-bin/mag.cgi?do=issue&vol=i62&article=_006
