Practical Magic   by Sara Ellis

Remember when you were six years old and absolutely in love with Peter Pan? Apparently I still am. Or so it would seem, given my dating history.

I have the unfortunate knack of gathering that fun loving breed of boy for whom the sun never sets and the future is just a bogey man that they stopped believing in ages ago.

It isn't all bad, I'm a big fan of spontaneity and adventures. It can be flattering to have someone demand so much of your attention and affection. It makes you feel important; but then at the first mention of words like feelings, commitment, relationship, or, heaven forbid, love -- the twinkle leaves their eyes. Their faces draw a blank akin to the look Peter must have given Wendy when she handed him a thimble.

I have actually had a boy tell me that it was unfair for me to have feelings for him beyond his for me, and that by asking for some space to keep my heart from being broken I was giving him an All or Nothing ultimatum that would prove to be the end of our friendship.

To be completely honest, he was partially right. I was demanding all or nothing, because I didn't know how to be half a person. I lack the emotional dexterity to give love with one side of my heart while simultaneously refilling it with the other. In the end, I wanted a relationship that was real, while he wanted a relationship that was easy.

Had I known this from the beginning I would have rather held hands with a hook than mend shadows for a boy that was content to sleep alone, desiring simply to be dreamed of.

The heartthrobs of Neverland are not the only ones to look out for in that big bad world of relationships. Almost every guy I know has found themselves stuck in the Shoulder role. They end up being friends with the girls they want to date, and always console her through her breakups and makeups, all the while wishing she would see how great he is and dump Prince Not So Charming.

It reminds me of the seven dwarves and Snow White. They hooked her up with a great place to stay and hide out, not to mention evenings filled with music and dancing. In the end, however; you were either too Bashful, Grumpy, or Dopey for a such a high class dame. In the end it was only Mr. Fancy Pants that she'd wake up for.

The list of fabled flames that end in not so happily after is long indeed.

Ladies first:

• Rapunzel - From far away she's a total hottie; up close she's crazy go nuts. Don't even ask about the mother.
• Sleeping Beauty - She's really good at looking pretty . . . period.
• Cinderella - Just when you start to get close and make yourself vulnerable she up and runs off. But not without leaving her stuff all over your house so you can't stop thinking about her. Not to mention she's a big faker. You thought that rack was real? Pumpkins, my boy, enchanted pumpkins.
• The Little Mermaid - Has that martyr complex you can't get past. She gives up everything, even her stinking tail to be with you, but then she gives you the silent treatment and you can't ever for the life of you figure out what you did wrong.
• Rose Red - Her sister's hotter.
• The Gingerbread Witch - Sure, she's got a sweet crib, but who really needs an oven that big? You know the trick ain't vegan (no matter how many cookies she feeds ya).
• Little Red Riding Hood - The pretty, young, naive girl that is lead so easily astray, always cheating on you with the Big Bad Wolf. Speaking of whom, I need not say more than stop and smell the pretty flowers little girl and Oh! The better to taste you with my dear! Which brings us to...

The Gentlemen:

• Humpty Dumpty.- He's Mr. Rebound. You get to play all the king's men after his really bad relationship. Nothing like baggage to make you feel like you have to walk around on egg - don't make me say it.
• The Beast - Oh sure he always apologizes, it's not his fault you got a black eye. He's under a spell! You just make him so crazy, he loves you so much!
• The Beanstalk Giant - Won't ever let you touch any of his neato stuff.
• Bluebeard - Knows over fifty ways to get your pulse racing, and over sixty ways to leave you without one.
• Little Boy Blue - Loves to blow his own horn.
• The Frog Prince - Always inviting himself over. Look, anytime a frog asks if he can come over for dinner he's just hungry, not a prince! And you know he's gonna insist on spending the night.

I think I've finally grown tired enough of thimbles that I've learned to stop pursuing boys that aren't ready for a grown up relationship. Unfortunately my generation has become used to an extended adolescence that goes far beyond our teens and into our thirties. Regardless, you just can't go into a relationship expecting to change all those little flaws that eventually become the curse of your existence.

Maybe I just need to start dating guys that are at least twice my age and a little more giving. Santa? How're you and Mrs. Claus doing these days?